Even Investigators Not Sure Why They Keep Releasing Details Of Gene Hackman’s Death

SANTA FE, NM—Appearing visibly giddy as they released to the public a new barrage of information about the deceased couple’s living conditions, personal lives, and private health issues, local authorities announced Friday that even they were not sure why they kept sharing details of Gene Hackman and his wife Betsy Arakawa’s deaths. “We have no idea why, but every time we find a new detail about their tragic passing, I’m like, ‘Oh my God, we have to tell everyone!’” said Ben Chavez of the Santa Fe County Sheriff’s Office, admitting that he felt compelled by a force he couldn’t understand to continue painting a timeline of the couple’s last moments, despite investigators having known for nearly two months that both died of natural causes with no evidence of foul play. “She and one of the dogs were dead for days—did we tell you that? As soon as the medical examiner said ‘hantavirus,’ it was like I physically could not hold the words in my mouth. By the way, did we show you these pictures of the rat nests? Gross, right? See, we can’t stop! We released hours of footage, and I don’t think 10 minutes passed before all these images of their cluttered, messy home were published online with a salacious headline. What a thrill! Hey, want to know what was in the fridge?” At press time, Chavez was reportedly investigating whether or not innocuous security footage of Arakawa grocery shopping the day before she likely died could be spun into evidence that she was a devil-worshipping cannibal.

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