U.S. Military Bans Men With Girl Names From Combat

WASHINGTON—In a move that significantly restricts the eligibility of thousands of American troops to fight for their country on the front lines, senior U.S. military officials announced Wednesday that all men with girl names would now be forbidden from serving in combat roles.

The ban, which goes into effect immediately, prohibits male personnel with clearly feminine names like Jamie, Sandy, and Alexis from serving in all artillery, infantry, and armored units. According to a Defense Department memo, the military is less effective as a fighting force when it deploys men named Francis, Sloan, Carol, or Loren in active conflict zones.

“For too long, we’ve sacrificed combat readiness in the name of inclusivity, ignoring the fact that there are innate differences between a Hank and a male Tracy,” said Gen. Doug H. Sandoval, who is a longtime opponent of men with girl names in the military and who worked with top appointed officials at the Pentagon to devise the new ban. “All these Shelleys and Dakotas are a liability. Imagine you’re in a heavy firefight, and your commander tells you to lay down cover fire for Casey. Your brain takes an extra moment to realize Casey is a man even though that’s a lady’s name, and in that plit second of hesitation, your entire squad is overrun by the enemy.”

“Or suppose your special forces team is parachuting into hostile territory,” he continued. “Can you really order someone named Ashley to jump out of a plane? It defies common sense.”

The Pentagon confirmed that servicemen with girl names would be reassigned to noncombat roles and that their pay would be lower as a result, an outcome officials justified by arguing that men named Allison should not be the primary breadwinners in their household anyway. Some hardliners have suggested these men should not be in the armed forces at all, and should instead stay home to father the Johns and Harolds needed to fight America’s wars.

Some exceptions will reportedly be made on the basis of spelling, with men named Nicky, for example, being eligible for combat deployment so long as their name ends with a y instead of an i. A military spokesperson told reporters tabs will be kept on once-masculine names that are starting to become girly, the way Charlie and Riley seem to have lately.

“America must project strength to keep our adversaries in check, and we can’t do that with men named Taylor on the battlefield,” said Navy Vice Adm. Scott Rigby, observing that the soft consonants of unisex names like Sasha and Avery never sat right with him. “China will never take us seriously so long as we’re sending Leslies to enforce our interests abroad. And if Russia ever learned we let men named Dana pilot our fighter jets? Forget it. When it comes to soldiers, we need big, strong Chets, Mikes, and Jakes out there, full stop.”

President Trump signaled his personal approval of the ban in a post on Truth Social, writing: “Bye bye, Bailey. He’s got to leave the fighting to GUS!!!”

The ban has been met with fierce condemnation from many effeminately named male veterans, including Aubrey Hart of the advocacy group Man Enough to Fight, which plans to mount a legal challenge on behalf of 24-year-old Army sniper Mandy Wright.

“Just because a man is named Stacy or Carey doesn’t mean he can’t fight like a Brock or an Axel,” Hart said. “Back when I served, there may have been a few snickers the first time I introduced myself, but once I set my fellow soldiers straight about Aubrey being a perfectly normal thing for a boy to be called, my name was never a distraction. To suggest otherwise is an insult to me and all the male Aubreys who have bled and died for their nation.”

While congressional Republicans appear to have fallen in line behind the Trump administration’s support for the ban, one GOP lawmaker was willing to speak on the record against it.

“This is the most egregiously unfair, bigoted, and discriminatory policy I have ever encountered,” said the senator and Air Force veteran Lindsey Graham. “I won’t stand for it.”

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