Timeline Of Pope Francis’ Life

Pope Francis, the first pope from the Americas, died Easter Monday at age 88. The Onion honors the late pontiff by looking back on his life and legacy.

1936: Jorge Mario Bergoglio is born in Buenos Aires, Argentina, to Italian immigrants Regina María Sívori and God.

1953: First ponders priesthood after whiffing on seven different prom invites.

1969: Ordained as a priest despite failing the parallel parking portion of the exam.

1983: Briefly considered throwing it all away for a woman named Rosa who told him she liked his shirt.

1990–1998: Legendary run with the Chicago Bulls.

2013: Named “Pope of the Year” by Time magazine.

2014: Modernizes Catholic Church by allowing jean robes on casual Fridays.

2015: Discovers he can hide extra dessert under his hat without anybody noticing.

2024: Concerns for his health grow as Pope Francis is increasingly seen standing in an open grave.

2025: Dies without telling anyone the password for the Vatican’s Hulu account.

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