Congress Passes Law Banning Women From Leaving House Without Makeup

WASHINGTON—In a landmark piece of legislation that disgusted supporters said was long overdue, Congress passed a law Thursday banning women from leaving the house without makeup. “For too long, Americans have lived in fear of walking outside and encountering the unthinkable—a natural-looking woman who refuses to wear cosmetics,” House Speaker Mike Johnson (R-LA) said in support of the new measure, which sets strict federal requirements for how much foundation, blush, mascara, and lipstick female citizens must wear when they appear in public. “As a father, I cannot imagine living in a world where my sons could potentially walk down the street and see a woman without fake eyelashes, contoured cheeks, or plumped lips. When President Trump signs this into law, no woman will ever look dowdy again.” Johnson added that next week he would bring to the House floor a bill that mandates a minimum prison sentence of 25 years for any woman who, upon encountering a man, fails to giggle and blush before touching his arm and saying, “Well, hello there, handsome.” 

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