Iowa Opens Emergency Cooling Stations For Mayo-Based Dishes

DES MOINES, IA—Rushing to deploy the temporary infrastructure as a heatwave enveloped the region, Iowa officials announced Monday that they would open emergency cooling stations to provide relief to mayo-based dishes. “Effective immediately, we’re installing portable air-conditioners and power misters across the state to ensure our mayonnaise-filled salads make it through this heatwave safely,” said Emergency Management Director John Benson, urging residents in Iowa City, Cedar Rapids, and dozens of other metropolitan areas to consult the agency’s website to find spaces where their potato salads, mixed-vegetable casseroles, and seven-layer dips could stay cool during the week’s sweltering heat. “Too many tuna salads are lost every year after being left to warm over in the hot sun. That these are preventable losses only makes it even more heartbreaking to see. Just remember: When you see the top layer of your side dish start to sweat, it might already be past the point of no return.” At press time, Iowa authorities had begun circulating a tips page warning that macaroni salads were much more sensitive to extreme heat than a full-grown adult.

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