How to be a less intimidating manager (without lowering your standards)

Is your team intimidated by you? And if they are, how would you know?

Many leaders unintentionally or unconsciously create an environment that’s unnecessarily fear-based, whether through their communication style, decision-making, or even the pace they expect from their team.

A study by OnePoll and HR software company Bambee found that 60% of U.S. workers feel too intimidated to go to their boss or manager with an issue they’re having. That’s significant, cosidering bosses have a disproportionate impact on employee well-being. The Workforce Institute at UKG found that a manager’s influence on an employee’s mental health is equal to that of an employee’s spouse or partner—and greater than that of an employee’s doctor and therapist.

The good news is that once you become aware of behaviors that could be perceived as intimidating to your team, you can focus on changing them.

Speaking in declaratives

When it comes to inviting input, there’s a universal truth: The more polished, finished or “done” something appears, the less likely people are to give feedback on it. The feeling is that the window for real input has closed. Similarly, when you speak in declaratives in meetings, like “This is the plan,” or “That won’t work,” your forceful language tells the group to comply, that things are already decided. 

Instead, leave some thoughts unfinished to open up conversations. Rather than “We’re going to move forward with X approach,” say “Here’s what I’m thinking, but I’m open . . .” or “I’m leaning toward this direction. What am I missing?” Intimidation will lessen when people see that your thinking is still taking shape. 

Inhibiting disagreement

You say you want open discussion. But if you get defensive or look annoyed when people challenge the norm, it’s only going to breed caution. Your employees will read your level of receptiveness and stay quiet next time. 

Instead, normalize respectful disagreement. Try “That’s a valuable challenge, Jane, keep it coming . . .” or “I’m glad you raised that, Marco.” Such responses will make it unmistakably clear, in real time, that you see disagreement as a form of group engagement.

While you’re at it, try to keep a neutral facial expression even as you ponder challenging views: no frowning, eye-rolling, or grimacing. Conveying calm acceptance and curiosity is what you’re after.

Keeping interactions all business 

If your touchpoints with people feel stiff and scheduled, you’re missing out big-time on opportunities to build trust. You can maximize casual interactions like walking to a meeting together, Slack check-ins, or hallway chats by showing curiosity and interest. 

For example, you can make a callback to something they mentioned to you earlier, like “How are the college tours going?” or “How did last week’s soccer tournament go?” This shows that you actually listen and instantly creates a more humanistic tone. 

You can also resist jumping right into work in team huddles. To create a friendlier feel, kick off by asking the group a question that’s not limited to work: “What’s a win you’ve had recently, personal or professional, big or small?” 

Overspeaking

If you want your team to speak up and contribute their best thinking, they need spaces, gaps, and pauses in the conversation to do that. Instead of narrating every meeting like it’s a nature special, intentionally leave some openings. 

You might say “What’s your read on this?” while you pause and visually scan the group with an anticipatory look, or ask everyone to share one opportunity they see with the new direction and one concern they may have. You can even divvy up the agenda in advance if you want to ensure multiple people have speaking roles. 

Pretending you’re perfect

I can guarantee you’ve had a pie-in-the-face moment that was a prime learning experience. When you’re trying to communicate a message to the team, pull from a personal story (even better if you weren’t the hero). Maybe you under-communicated on a project, which led to a misunderstanding. Or failed to ask for help once and spent three days unnecessarily troubleshooting an issue yourself. Perhaps a disruptive, company-wide change that your team is stressed about is also making you a little nervous. 

Sharing some of your concerns and face-plants helps you build trust and keep it real (yes, even that time you accidentally said “Love you” when signing off from a Zoom meeting).

Being intimidating is often unintentional. But if no one’s challenged you in a while, it might be a sign that your team is feeling the pressure to suppress their real thoughts and feelings. Humanize your leadership by integrating these small actions, and you’ll shift the atmosphere to one that feels safe, not severe.