Trump Invites Jeffrey Epstein On Stage To Explain There No Conspiracy

WASHINGTON—During a speech Friday in which he sought to convince MAGA supporters that his administration did not withhold any important information from its release of the Epstein files, President Donald Trump reportedly invited Jeffrey Epstein on stage to explain that there was no conspiracy. “Hey, everybody, I’m Jeffrey—you probably know me from the pedophile stuff in the news,” the financier said to a group of right-wing influencers and members of the White House press pool, admitting that he and the president had a good laugh over the notion that there was something suspicious about the way he died. “To address any confusion or rumors that may have come up over the past five years, I just want everyone to know that I definitely did kill myself, and I am dead. As you can see, there are no suspicious marks on my neck that would suggest somebody else did it. I’m just a regular old corpse—case closed. I’d be happy to tell you exactly what happened in my prison cell during the nearly three minutes when the security tape blacked out, but I’ve got to warn you, it’s pretty boring. This whole thing has been really blown out of proportion. As you can see, I’m dead, and we should all move on now.” At press time, Epstein was seen patting his empty pockets as proof that there was no such thing as a client list.

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