Pros And Cons Of Banning Fireworks

Millions of Americans will celebrate Independence Day with fireworks this year, though the legality of the explosives varies throughout the country. The Onion examines the pros and cons of banning fireworks.

PRO

Kites can take their rightful place as sovereigns of the sky

Lose most effective way to quickly raze 4,000 acres of forestland

Medical fireworks still available through firework dispensaries

No reason to visit Indiana anymore

Mom’s new boyfriend will instead have to prove himself by eating really spicy pepper

CON

No way to find out which dogs would abandon you in a shootout

Far fewer loose fingers for birds to incorporate into nest

Billy’s Fireworks & Stuff can only sell so many vapes

No other reason to look up at the sky in wonder

Yet another American tradition discarded for nothing more than safety, environmental hazards, animal welfare, and good taste

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