Texas Politicians Used Burner Email To Request FEMA Funds

AUSTIN, TX—In an effort to avoid humiliating themselves in front of their fellow conservatives, elected officials in Texas used a burner email to request funds from the Federal Emergency Management Agency following last week’s devastating floods, sources reported Thursday. “I set up an anonymous account, [email protected], and shamefully requested more than $70 million in disaster assistance for Texans,” Gov. Greg Abbott admitted in a private conversation, saying he used a browser in Incognito mode and typed “DISCREET” in the subject line. “Asking for handouts to assist grieving families is really embarrassing, so I looked over my shoulder constantly while writing the email and asked FEMA to put the money on prepaid cards that victims could easily cut up afterwards. I’m confident no one will find out about our state’s disgraceful need for food and shelter, because I wrote ‘delete after reading’ at the end of the message. Of course, I also destroyed my laptop once I was done.” At press time, Texas officials reportedly remained too ashamed of the funds to distribute them to any of their constituents.

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