Trump Threatens To Defund Beauty Schools That Don’t Comply With MAGA Standards

WASHINGTON—After dispatching “Dear Colleague” letters to top cosmetology programs across the country, President Donald Trump threatened Monday to defund any beauty school that did not adhere to the standards of the MAGA movement. “We’ve set exact metrics for hairstyles that comply with my administration’s agenda, and any school that fails to respect our policies will face billions in funding cuts,” said Trump, referring to the prestigious Paul Mitchell School’s refusal to relinquish its aesthetic freedom by following a presidential directive to limit men’s cuts to close-cropped side parts and women’s cuts to smooth or loosely curled blond hair reaching at least to the shoulders. “For too long, salons have embraced natural beauty, and that’s coming to an end right now. These radical left-wing lunatics promote antisemitism with their blue hair, indoctrinating our youth and encouraging them to believe they are beautiful no matter what they look like. It’s absolutely disgusting.” At press time, more than 300 hairstylists accused by the government of administering androgynous pixie cuts were reportedly on a plane bound for El Salvador.

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