White House Evacuated After Trans Alarm Goes Off

WASHINGTON—In a stunning security breach that reportedly left many top-ranking administration officials vulnerable to attack, the White House was evacuated Tuesday after the building’s trans alarm went off.

Officials confirmed the transgender alert system was triggered during President Donald Trump’s morning briefing, when infrared estrogen sensors in the West Wing detected a large spike in gender fluidity dangerously close to the Oval Office. With an alarm blaring the words “Trans, trans, trans,” the Secret Service initiated a Code Rainbow, which prompted agents to rush the president to safety, place Cabinet members in a hormone-proof bunker, and secure the premises from radical gender ideology.

“At approximately 10:02 a.m., a transgender individual actively approached the perimeter of a highly restricted cisgender-only area,” said Secret Service chief Sean Curran, adding that the trans alarm operated as intended when it immediately cut the lights, initiated a siren, and lowered several trans-resistant blast doors. “Thanks to our brave, quick-thinking officers on the White House security detail, President Trump and the penis he was born with are safe from any harmful hormone therapies or gential mutilation.”

“We train for this,” Curran added. “We are thankful the president was unharmed and remains a straight white cisgender male.”

In security video taken from the scene, Secret Service agents could be seen shielding Trump as they quickly outfitted him with a hormone-proof vest and whisked him across the White House lawn, where he was loaded into a Blackhawk helicopter. Upon reaching Andrews Air Force Base, he was reportedly flown to an undisclosed location in an anti-trans jet equipped with technology that allowed it to scan the area for androgyny, gender nonconformity, and other LGBTQ-related threats.

Following the administration’s established trans evacuation protocol, several prominent male officials, including Vice President JD Vance, deputy chief of staff Stephen Miller, and budget director Russell Vought, were ushered into the Traditional Values Bunker, a secure facility where they were given mandatory genital inspections, injected with a shot of testosterone, and ordered to pleasure themselves to completion while watching emergency hetero-
normative pornography.

Traumatized staffers told reporters they barricaded themselves in their offices, frantically called 911, and texted their loved ones goodbye as the trans person walked past the building along Pennsylvania Avenue, appearing unafraid to shirk traditional gender norms and be unashamedly and unabashedly themselves.

“When I heard the trans alarm, I thought to myself, this is the end,” said 29-year-old White House aide Chase Kettering, adding that he hid under his desk, cried, and sent his wife what he feared would be a final photo of his genitals. “At that point, I kneeled down and prayed. I said, ‘God, holy father in heaven, please do not let the trans person turn me into a girl.’ Then I picked up a Bible, yelled as many slurs as I could think of, and started running.”

“At first I thought it was a drill,” Kettering continued. “But sadly, a trans person can strike at any time. These days, no one, and nowhere, is safe.”

Despite the severity of the security breach, President Trump is said to be in good spirits and to have spent the afternoon calling the victims’ families, including the children of a White House security official who was trampled to death by cis men fleeing the scene, and the wife of Commerce Secretary Howard Lutnick, who suffered fatal injuries when an anti-trans quarantine screen descended from the ceiling and sliced him in half. According to sources, press secretary Karoline Leavitt became collateral damage when she died in a hail of estrogen-seeking bullets that had been intended for the trans threat. 

“Today, we honor the many brave biological men and women who lost their lives protecting Donald Trump from pronouns, allyship, and tolerance,” said House Speaker Mike Johnson (R-LA), adding that the fallen would always be remembered as true patriots who stood in the way of someone expressing their gender. “These were more than just government workers. They were real, red-blooded alpha males with defined muscles, baritone voices, and strong, angular chins. They were quiet, docile trad wives who loved to cook, clean, and gratify every sexual desire of their husbands.”

“It takes a real hero to face the reality of being in the same vicinity as a trans person,” Johnson added. “And for that, we will be forever grateful.”

Several Cabinet members praised Trump’s bravery and circulated triumphant footage of the president raising his fist, unzipping his pants, flashing his penis at the cameras, and saying, “Fight! Fight! Fight!” 

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