GE Recalls Washing Machines That Failed To Pleasure Lonely Housewives

BOSTON—Following recommendations from the U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission, GE issued a recall Wednesday for 150,000 washing machines that repeatedly failed to pleasure lonely housewives as intended. “Certain front-loading washer models have been recalled due to a motor issue that prevents the machines from properly bringing sexually frustrated housewives to shuddering climax,” said product safety coordinator Lisa Poundstone, issuing an apology to the brand’s loyal customers while offering free delivery on whichever vibrating GE appliance they’d like to trade the washer for, in hopes that the demographic would give the company another chance to get them off. “For decades, bored, horny women in committed relationships with men who work long hours have looked to GE as a reliable source of orgasms, and we are profoundly sorry for leaving them unfulfilled. This does not meet the high quality of physical gratification we aim to provide with GE products, and we will ensure that we never again release a washing machine that offers nothing more erotic than simply cleaning clothes.” At press time, GE officials confirmed that consumers still in possession of the recalled models could schedule complimentary technician to visit their residence and help them come.

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