CDC Publishes   Female Body Hair Guidelines

ATLANTA—Stressing that the rules were formulated for the safety of all Americans, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention released new guidelines Thursday governing female body hair. “Effective immediately, women nationwide are advised to remove all hair from arms, legs, underarms, and genital areas or suffer the legal consequences,” said CDC spokesperson Jamie Reardon, stressing that failure to comply with the newly issued weekly waxing schedule for women 18 and over would result in a $50 fine for every hair spotted that was over a millimeter long. “Even so much as a thin landing strip or faint peach fuzz on the cheeks should be reported to authorities. That is, unless the woman in question has written approval from a male family member. But why would they do that? It’s true that body hair doesn’t cause diseases, per se. But it does look very gross.” This reportedly represents the first significant revisions to U.S. female body hair guidelines since 1977, when CDC director David Sencer urged all women to grow a full and unapologetic bush.

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