Peter Thiel Shows Trump How To Sort Spreadsheet Of Americans By Ethnicity

WASHINGTON—Stressing that it would be simplest to troubleshoot now during the onboarding process for his company’s surveillance technology, Palantir founder Peter Thiel reportedly spent Tuesday morning showing President Donald Trump how to sort a spreadsheet of Americans by ethnicity. “So what’s neat is that you can just do command-shift-E and rank every single resident from whitest to least,” said the billionaire libertarian, leaning over the commander-in-chief’s shoulder and demonstrating how simple it was to use a drop-down menu to search for undesirable ethnic characteristics among the more than 340 million names on display.  “Nope, that’s religion, Mr. President. You want to be over in column E. I went ahead and separated the Jews from the regular Caucasians for you. Oh, sure, I guess you can call them that if you want. That’s what the label section is for.” At press time, reports confirmed a flustered Thiel was attempting to answer the president’s question on whether deleting a person from the spreadsheet would also delete them in real life.

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