4 ways to spot a self-centered person in 5 minutes or less, according to psychologists

Have you ever had to deal with a self-centered person in your work or your life? It’s an unpleasant experience most of us have had one time or another. It can be frustrating and exhausting when someone consistently expects you to prioritize their needs and concerns above your own.

Wouldn’t it be nice if there were early warning signs that could tell you when someone is hopelessly self-centered, so you could avoid dealing with them or at least be prepared for their unreasonable expectations? It turns out there are such signs, if you know how to spot them.

In a new piece for Parade, several psychologists listed 12 simple behaviors that indicate someone is severely self-centered, or possibly even a narcissist. It’s worth checking out all 12. Here are just four of them.

1. They only get in touch when they want something.

There are some situations where this might be appropriate. If someone is a customer, for example, you might expect to only hear from them when they need to place an order or get help with a product. But if a co-worker or friend only gets in touch when they want your help, watch out. There’s a good chance you’re dealing with a self-centered person.

Sometimes this tendency also shows up in online groups or in social media. For example, you’re part of an industry chat group where someone only posts when they’re looking for a referral or an answer to a question, and they never provide those things when anyone else asks for them. Or someone who posts their own announcements and accomplishments and never reposts or comments on anyone else’s. I’ve known people like that, and I bet you do too.

2. They value appearances over real connection.

I had a family member who absolutely insisted that I be present for holiday and birthday celebrations. She would be quite offended if I failed to attend for any reason. The rest of the year, she had no time for me whatsoever. It was clear that she wanted the appearance of a family relationship, but not an actual relationship.

You see this kind of behavior in the workplace, too, for instance when a manager insists that an employee be present at all work functions and gatherings but does not take the time to coach that employee one-on-one. When someone wants to get appearances right without seeming to want actual interaction, that could be a sign that you’re dealing with a self-centered person.

3. They make every conversation about them.

You start to tell someone about the exciting new project you’re working on. “Oh, I did something like that last month!” they exclaim. And they proceed to tell you in detail about what they did on their project. They seem to have zero interest in what you’re doing.

There are some situations, such as if you’re interviewing them for a job, where it’s appropriate for the other person to focus the conversation on themselves. But when someone does this on a regular basis, it’s a red flag that you’re dealing with a self-centered person. Self-centered people often have little curiosity about others, so ask yourself if they seemed interested in what you do or what you have to say.

4. They seek constant validation.

Self-centered people are often insecure as well. Either way, they tend to want constant validation for what they say or do, the psychologists said. If someone seems to want constant praise, or frequently seeks your approval, there’s a good chance you may be dealing with a self-centered person.

Constantly seeking validation is usually a sign of insecurity, which often goes hand-in-hand with acting self-centered. Either way, dealing with someone who seeks your approval all the time, or needs to keep having you confirm that they’re doing the right thing, gets exhausting quickly. If you encounter this behavior, you should definitely proceed with caution.

These are just some of the warning signs that you may be dealing with a self-centered person. If a new acquaintance, colleague, or business partner does any of these things, be aware. You may be dealing with a self-centered person. Is it worth the trouble? That’s up to you.

— By Minda Zetlin

This article originally appeared on Fast Company‘s sister publication, Inc.

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