Chobani CEO Warns New Hire They In The Yogurt Game Now

NEW BERLIN, NY—Taking the rookie employee aside to offer him “a word to the wise,” Chobani CEO Hamdi Ulukaya warned new hire Austin Cook that he was in the yogurt game now, company sources confirmed Friday. “I don’t know what they taught you back in the boonies of the almond milk world, but you better be ready to step up, because you’re doing bacterial fermentation now, playboy,” Ulukaya said as he firmly jabbed a finger into Cook’s chest, adding that if the new hire couldn’t hack it in the yogurt game’s cutthroat climate of competition and live cultures, he should do them both a favor and resign on the spot. “You’re running with the big dogs here, and I need you to eat, sleep, and breathe yogurt. You see that portrait hanging above my desk? That’s the guy who invented Go-Gurt. You work hard, you can end up like him. You don’t, this industry will grind you up like the fruit on the bottom of a cup of Dannon. And don’t just tell me we should make kefir. I know about kefir. What I want to know is: What’s seven steps beyond kefir?” At press time, Ulukaya had quietly told the new hire to get the fuck out of his building after the man proposed branching out into skyr.

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