New Alabama Law Requires Women To Leave Semen On Lower Back For 9 Months

MONTGOMERY, AL—Following the approval by state legislators of a bill that declares every human sperm has a God-given soul, a new measure signed into law Tuesday requires women in Alabama to leave semen on their lower backs for a full nine months. “Today marks a triumph in our fight for the right of men to cum on women’s backs and keep it there,” said Gov. Kay Ivey, explaining that the law, which also bans the sale of tissue paper that could be used to wipe ejaculate off the lower spine, was essential to protect the sanctity of seminal loads. “Life begins at ejaculation on the small of one’s back. Who are we to play God? We must let gravity take its course. Semen is a living, squirming thing, and any wipe-down after a completed sexual act amounts to homicide.” Ivey added that anyone found to have handed women a towel to mop up the semen would be prosecuted as an accessory to murder.

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