Desperate Trump Attempts To Flush 14-Year-Old Masseuse Down Toilet

WASHINGTON—In a frantic bid to dispose of damaging evidence amid ongoing scrutiny of his relationship with the late child sex offender Jeffrey Epstein, a desperate President Donald Trump reportedly attempted to flush a 14-year-old masseuse down the toilet Tuesday.

“Oh Christ, c’mon, Ashley, don’t get stuck—uh, just gimme one second in here!” Trump said as he jiggled the handle in a futile attempt to pass the stuck high school freshman through the toilet’s 3-inch drainpipe, eventually grabbing a rubber plunger and turning on the sink to mask his sounds of panicked exertion from aides gathered outside the door. “Fuck, fuck, fuck. Why the hell did those woke toilet companies have to make their flushes so weak? This thing could barely handle a wad of toilet paper, let alone a teen massage therapist.”

According to sources, the president then squirted a bottle of massage oil around the bowl of the toilet in hopes of easing the adolescent’s passage through the pipes and scolded her in a harsh whisper for doing “absolutely nothing” to help him destroy any trace of her presence.

At press time, witnesses confirmed Trump had walked out of the bathroom unaware that he was trailing from his shoe a colorful friendship bracelet with the girl’s name on it.

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