Trump Vows To Reopen Joann Fabrics As Prison

WASHINGTON—Vowing to restore and revitalize the facilities as a symbol of law, order, and justice, President Donald Trump ordered the U.S. government Monday to reopen Joann Fabrics and Crafts stores as federal prisons. “I am directing the Bureau of Prisons to use all 850 Joann locations to house America’s most ruthless and violent Offenders,” Trump wrote in a post on Truth Social, stating that officials had already begun investigating how to relocate and imprison violent and repeat criminals within the shuttered hobby store’s long, towering aisles filled with endless yarn, ribbon, and candles. “Joann’s will be a maximum security prison, with Rapists and Murderers chained to sewing machines and oversized looms, or locked inside Joann’s custom craft corner. Many years ago, Americans used to fear Joann’s ‘handmade happiness.’ And soon, these violent criminals and thugs will know why!” Trump added that inmates housed at Joann Fabrics would be forced, just like notorious criminals such as Al Capone once were, to teach macramé classes to shoppers on Saturday mornings.

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