Dunkin’ Announces They No Longer Have Heart To Charge People For Such Depressing Meals

CANTON, MA—Stressing that whatever garbage they have on their menu couldn’t possibly be better than what Americans had at home, Dunkin’ officials announced Monday that they no longer have the heart to charge customers money for such horrible, depressing meals. “While we take pride in our brand’s popularity across 43 states, we cannot in good conscience let the public pay for one more completely pathetic sausage-and-cheese croissant,” said Dunkin’ CEO David Hoffmann, adding that their greasy, miserable excuse for a breakfast was often sitting out for hours before being carelessly tossed in a microwave and reheated by pressing a button labeled “egg.” “There is nothing in this world that can justify having you waste your hard-earned money on Snackin’ Bacon. When you purchase a Wake-Up Wrap, it just feels like we’re preying on on someone who has reached rock bottom. Please stop buying our food. You deserve better.” At press time, Hoffmann reportedly urged anyone considering ordering a distressing Dunkin’ meal to just put their credit card away and take it for free.

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