‘The House Will Take A Short Recess,’ Declares Mike Johnson Dousing Capitol In Gasoline

WASHINGTON—Saying he hoped the break would keep his party focused on the America First agenda, Speaker Mike Johnson (R-LA) announced plans Thursday for the House of Representatives to take a short recess as he doused the U.S. Capitol in gasoline. “We know that the American people are best served by putting an end to these Democratic sideshows on Jeffrey Epstein, and that’s exactly what we’re doing,” said Johnson as he splashed gasoline onto the rugs of the lower chamber, doused the curtains of the Rotunda, and drew a trail of the combustible liquid outside onto the Capitol steps. “With all due respect to my colleagues, we’re not going to let them use this Epstein stuff as a political battering ram. So we’ll be adjourning until September. There won’t be any votes on these resolutions until then.” At press time, Johnson could be heard reiterating his pride in what his party had accomplished over the past session before lighting a safety match, setting the box aflame, and pitching the entire package towards the Capitol.

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