The Onion’s book critics round up the celebrity memoirs they’re most looking forward to skimming this year.
Explore the list in detail
Why Didn’t More Of You Philistines Go See ‘Larry Crowne’?
By Tom Hanks
The famous actor spends the vast majority of his memoir berating people for not paying more attention to his 2011 romantic comedy.
Nothing About The Sex Tape
By Kelsey Grammer
Honestly, don’t even bother, because this doesn’t mention the sex tape or his divorces at all and just goes on and on about the nature of living an artful life and boring shit like that.
This Planet’s Not Big Enough For The Two Of Us
By Greta Thunberg
The Swedish climate activist unleashes her acid pen on a previously private subject—her years-long, acrimonious beef with Malala Yousafzai.
I Was Shitting My Pants The Whole Time
By Dwight D. Eisenhower
In this recently uncovered manuscript, the supreme commander of the Allied Forces gives a personal, minute-by-minute account of D-Day.
Dwayne Johnson Movies, Dwayne Johnson Age, Dwayne Johnson Ethnicity
By Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson
The wrestler and movie star digs deep and shares stories of his upbringing guaranteed to generate top resonance scores with key spending demographics.
If I Were Alive
By O.J. Simpson
Following his 2024 death, groundbreaking AI mind-copy technology was used to recreate Simpson’s consciousness and write this memoir of his afterlife.
Sounds Of The Marsh: Mastering The Art Of Duck Calling
By Charli XCX
The star discusses her sudden pivot away from the music industry and into the world of competitive waterfowl calling.
One More Slur For The Road
By Mel Gibson
The actor, producer, and director leaves no slur left unsaid in this definitive portrait of a life laden with offensive epithets.
Regrets From A Life Spent Freezing My Ass Off With A Bunch Of Filthy Animals
By David Attenborough
The British naturalist exhaustively lists all the fulfilling and comfortable ways he could have spent his life instead of tediously documenting foul-smelling wildlife.
The Bodies We Leave Behind: The Tears Of Novocherkassk
By Jake Paul
This long-awaited memoir focuses on Paul’s work as a leading scholar on the Cossack extermination and how its perception in modern academia has shaped his life.