Elon Musk Pushes Child Aside On Way To Escape Pods As Starbase Collapses

STARBASE, TX—Screaming in terror as he rushed through the raging flames consuming his promised tech utopia, billionaire Elon Musk reportedly pushed aside a 9-year-old child Friday on his way to the escape pods as Starbase collapsed behind him. “Out of my fucking way, short stuff—geniuses first!” the entrepreneur said as he coughed in the smoke engulfing his crumbling city, kicked the stunned child for good measure, and asked a crowd of dying residents if they knew they were endangering the life of the most important man on the planet. “You see that right there? That’s my personal escape pod. If you people wanted one, you should have built it yourself. Sorry you all failed me. Enjoy hell!” Musk then admitted that he was also almost certainly the child’s father before launching his escape pod and fleeing to safety as a final explosion swallowed the city.

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