Trump Decries Lack Of U.S.-Made Products Lodged In American Rectums

WASHINGTON—Angrily claimings the populace had neglected its patriotic duty to support domestic manufacturing, President Donald Trump issued a statement Tuesday decrying the lack of U.S.-made products lodged in American rectums. “Sad how much cheap ‘Made in China’ GARBAGE is still being stuffed into people’s asses while Great American flashlight and curtain rod makers suffer,” Trump wrote in a fiery Truth Social post, adding that “real Americans” should be absolutely sure any long, cylindrical objects they had obtained for anal penetration were manufactured in the United States before inserting them. “Same goes for imported cucumbers and carrots. Every one you get stuck in your rectum is a dollar stolen from proud American farmers! Back in the 1950s we lodged PURE AMERICAN STEEL in our backsides, but now we settle for chintzy Chinese knockoffs with NO FLARED ENDS. It’s a national disgrace! And don’t try to say you ‘just fell’ on that permanent marker made in Mexico—you should have had the handle of a beautiful American-manufactured feather duster crammed up there already!” Many top economists criticized the president’s statement, claiming Trump’s tariffs on foreign objects would not boost domestic manufacturing and would instead only leave American asses empty.

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