Every Trait Disqualifying ICE Agent From Previous Jobs Ideal For Current One

WOODBINE, NJ—Saying the man’s behavior and temperament had helped him excel in a difficult environment, sources confirmed Thursday that every trait disqualifying ICE agent Jake Clements from previous jobs had made him ideal for his current role. Several reports indicated the 29-year-old high school graduate, who had been dismissed from numerous past positions in food service and substitute teaching due to his short fuse and penchant for cruelty, had been rapidly promoted up the ranks at ICE for those very same characteristics. According to sources, the anger management issues and casual application of slurs that once resulted in Clements being escorted out of a data entry job now earned him effusive praise from supervisors who saw a bright future for him at U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement. Colleagues within ICE noted that Clements’ history of posting lengthy social media screeds denouncing immigrants for destroying a Christian nation—which had caused him to be automatically turned down for dozens of other jobs—would likely earn him a management position at the agency within five years. At press time, those familiar with Clements added that he was making fast friends with his fellow ICE agents for the same reason that he was estranged from his wife and had been abandoned by virtually all other acquaintances.

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