Rift Widens Between Elon Musk, Anyone Who Ever Met Him

AUSTIN, TX—Stressing that the billionaire’s completely erratic behavior had strained the already fraught relationships, sources confirmed Thursday that a rift was widening between Elon Musk and anyone who had ever met him. “Elon’s megalomania and tendency to lash out indiscriminately seem to have soured things with every person he’s encountered in his entire life,” said an anonymous source close to the embattled tech mogul, adding that Musk’s staunch refusal to engage in self-reflection or address his many off-putting personal tics had so far estranged him from the White House, his business partners, his neighbors, the mothers of his children, the children themselves, interviewers, investors, restaurant waitstaff, and all others who had directly interacted with him in any manner for any length of time. “These acquaintances are making every effort to distance themselves from Elon, whom they have come to see as a liability and a hindrance to their goals. Even those who have only briefly dealt with him over social media say they no longer wish to be associated. It’s obviously a bad look to have blown up every last one of his interpersonal connections, but knowing Elon, that’ll only make him dig in his heels and make things even worse.” The source added that while the acrimony between Musk and everyone he had ever met was likely irreversible, the falling out had only strengthened his relationship with ketamine.

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