Trump Body Double Struggling To Get Leg Edema Just Right

WASHINGTON—Expressing frustration with his inability to duplicate the president’s bulbousness caused by trapped fluid, body double John Schade was reportedly struggling Tuesday to get the appearance of Donald Trump’s leg edema just right. “One glance at my ankles and they’ll know something’s off,” said the presidential political decoy who bemoaned that there was only so much a person could do to increase their daily sodium intake, noting that he was already up to 6,000 milligrams a day with little visible effect on his limbs. “Secret Service told me it was only ‘mild swelling.’ Mild swelling, my ass. I’m wearing five pairs of wet socks, and it still looks weird. There’s only so much a baggy pair of pants can hide.” At press time, Schade had begun a strict regimen of sitting in front of a computer for 14 hours a day.

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