What to Know Before Going to Lollapalooza
What to Know Before Going to Lollapalooza
In an effort to help visitors have the best experience possible at the four-day music festival in Chicago’s Grant Park, The Onion offers tips to prepare for Lollapalooza.
Directions
While the CTA is a safe and convenient option, we both know you’ll be taking a $93 Uber back to Glencoe.
Locker Rental
General admission ticket holders can reserve single- or multi-day locker rentals for a fee, while VIP and Platinum ticket holders can leave their stuff with Gracie Abrams.
Bag Policy
Nice try, but they’re going to look inside the Altoids tin.
Health And Safety Details
It’s recommended that patrons learn how to handle their shit.
Bathrooms
We recommend going before you arrive.
Reentry Policy
We can’t guarantee you will not be shot.
Mule Policy
No mules bigger than a German shepherd.
Recommended Antivenoms
Rattlesnake, cobra, mamba, viper, and copperhead.
Inclement Weather Policy
In the event of high winds, Olivia Rodrigo will immediately be outfitted with bungee cords and a weighted vest.
Koi Pond Rentals
Visitors may store their ornamental carp in a secure onsite pool for $25 per koi per day.
June Squibb
June Squibb will not be in attendance.
Men Who Look Like Moby
As always, we’ve placed hundreds of little bald guys in black hoodies throughout the festival. Try to find all the Mobys!
Best Way To Sneak In
Hyperrealistic rat costume
Parking
Guests are encouraged to park in the Nebraska commuter lot and take the Amtrak from Omaha.
The post What to Know Before Going to Lollapalooza appeared first on The Onion.
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