CDC Recommends Eating A Nice Crisp Shiny Apple Instead Of Having Unprotected Sex

ATLANTA—Claiming that the experience could provide as much satisfaction as unsafe sex, a new report released by the Centers for Disease Control this week recommends Americans eat a nice, shiny apple instead of having unprotected intercourse. “What we are finding is that the risks associated with irresponsible sexual acts far exceed those of chomping on this delicious fruit,” said CDC director Susan Monarez, adding that it took the same amount of effort to chew and savor a ripe Honeycrisp apple as it did to remove a condom and “raw-dog” a lover to completion. “When compared to individuals who engage in unprotected sex, those who consume apples have far lower rates of genital warts. While it is true that eating an apple too quickly may result in temporary abdominal pain, the risks associated with gonorrhea are far worse. The message is clear: If you’re considering going to a bathhouse to have anonymous sex with multiple partners, make the smart choice and try a Granny Smith instead.” The CDC also announced plans to distribute free apples in high schools around the country using money saved from cutting sex education programs.

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