Trump Rushed To Walter Reed To Watch Breast Exam

WASHINGTON—In a chaotic and alarming scene that sent West Wing staffers springing into action, White House sources confirmed Tuesday that President Donald Trump had been rushed to Walter Reed National Military Medical Center to watch a woman’s breast exam.

Early this morning, Secret Service agents were seen whisking the president out of a Cabinet meeting and onto his Marine One helicopter after they received word that an attractive 27-year-old Army specialist had arrived at the Bethesda, MD medical facility for her routine cancer-screening procedure. Multiple commercial flights were said to have been grounded or rerouted to clear the airspace and ensure Trump arrived before the patient began to disrobe.

“I knew we were in a race against time when I saw the president’s eyes rolling back as he imagined this lady taking her shirt off,” said Trump aide Trent Dixon, who recalled how he prayed beside the president as they rode in the helicopter, asking God to keep the woman on the examination table as long as possible. “I kept telling him, ‘You’re going to make it, sir. You’re going to see those breasts.’”

“And I really do think it was God who got us to the hospital in time to walk in on that woman just as she was lowering the top of her paper gown,” Dixon continued.

Upon his arrival at Walter Reed, the president was declared to be at severe risk of missing out on the exposed breasts, and he was hurried down the hall and into the women’s health clinic. Once there, Trump, his security detail, and a half dozen advisors were brought into the room where the clinical breast exam had reportedly just begun. According to hospital officials, the startled patient and her doctor were instructed to continue as if the heavy-breathing president weren’t standing there beside them and openly gaping at the naked torso.

As the physician began a visual examination of the woman’s breasts, asking her to raise her hands above her head and then place them on her hips, Trump was seen nodding in approval and whispering in consultation with his aides. He is said to have smiled broadly when the patient was asked to lie supine on the exam table and the doctor began to palpate her breast tissue.

“The president has so far responded very positively to watching a stranger’s nude breasts be examined for their shape, size, and texture,” said Trump’s personal physician, Sean Barbabella, noting that when the woman received her mammogram, the imaging machine’s compression of her breasts made the commander-in-chief feel “a little weird,” but he was still very glad to have observed it. “It was absolutely crucial that he got there in time to leer as the doctor felt the breasts for tenderness, using fingertips to probe every part of them, including the nipples.”

“To prevent any close calls like this in the future, cameras will be installed in all areas of Walter Reed in which women receive care, including the pelvic exam rooms,” Barbabella added.

White House officials have requested that media outlets keep their distance from hospital grounds out of respect for the president’s privacy as he ogles the bare chest.

Trump was reported to be in good spirits throughout his visit and at one point even cracked a joke, saying he might have to give up politics to become a “tit doctor” himself. To reassure his supporters, he posted a photo on Truth Social in which he could be seen gawking at the topless woman. It included a caption that read: “Made it in time and got a GREAT look. Best I’ve felt since I was in the Miss Teen USA changing room!”

Despite the president’s outward bravado about watching the breast exam, some close to him said they believed the experience would deeply change him.

“I think it really scared Donald to come so close to not getting an eyeful of what was, by all accounts, an amazing rack,” said mixed martial arts mogul Dana White, a longtime Trump confidant. “Once he gets back to work, you may see him using his influence to enshrine government access to all women’s most private, vulnerable medical experiences.”

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