Study Finds Refreshingly Low Amount Of Shovel Violence

BALTIMORE—Describing the data as good news in an otherwise troubling area of research, a study released Wednesday by the Johns Hopkins School of Public Health found a refreshingly low amount of shovel violence across the country. “Despite high levels of shovel ownership in the United States, what we are seeing is an encouragingly low number of violent incidents involving spades or round-point shovels,” said the study’s lead author, Elizabeth Lopes, noting that reports of the tool’s use in smackings, wallopings, and bonkings remained rare. “Even during peak winter season, the chance of a child getting their hands on a snow shovel and accidentally decapitating a playmate was extremely low. There’s still some shovel violence, don’t get us wrong, but what we have found is there are almost zero cases of disturbed individuals going into a school and carrying out mass thwackings over the backs of people’s heads.” Lopes cautioned that while the findings were positive for long-handled garden tools, further research was needed on trowel homicide rates.

The post Study Finds Refreshingly Low Amount Of Shovel Violence appeared first on The Onion.